The Vatican released Thursday a 184-page papal encyclical by Pope Francis condemning the human behaviors causing climate change and urging global action to combat environmental degradation, marking the first time the Catholic Church has aligned itself with scientists on climate issues. Here are some highlights of the pope’s landmark climate change encyclical:

  • Establishes Catholic Church’s stance on issue 30 years too late
  • Announces new Eucharist composting program to reduce production of holy waste
  • Unveils Church’s effort to reduce energy use by merging Father, Son, Holy Spirit into one deity
  • Lays out Vatican’s plan to lead green initiatives by immediately recycling all records and documents pertaining to child abuse
  • Reveals many of the world’s poor lack access to clean drinking blood of Christ
  • Officially beatifies world’s last remaining black rhinoceros
  • 40-page recyclables sorting guide
  • Vows to immediately discontinue all Vatican-owned fracking operations
  • Something about implications or consequences
  • At end of encyclical, quick reminder that same-sex marriage threatens society
  • Requests that if you’re going to pick and choose only parts of Catholicism to follow, let this be one of them

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