Highlights Of The Third Democratic Debate

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The third round of the Democratic presidential primary debates pitted the top-10 polling candidates against each other in Houston. The Onion highlights the most important takeaways from the third Democratic debate.


Andrew Yang brags to everyone about having $120,000.

Joe Biden aces standing-up-and-remaining-conscious portion of debate.

Bill de Blasio was not there.

Amy Klobuchar overshadowed by bold ABC logo in bottom right corner of screen.

Bernie Sanders fails to expand on tired campaign rhetoric that corporations destroying millions of lives every year.

Audience watches spellbound as Kamala Harris delivers critical soliloquy to President Trump’s skull.

Julian Castro criticizes placement of lower-polling candidates’ podiums in arena parking lot.


Pete Buttigieg declares presidential debates “unwatchable” due to politicians using facile, scripted lines to get cheap applause.


Beto O’Rourke threatens to be first presidential candidate assassinated for advocating gun control.


Thoughtful, policy-heavy discussion about whether human beings should die from preventable illnesses.