CAMBRIDGE, MA—Urging the nation to keep the event’s actual history in mind, researchers at Harvard University issued a reminder Monday that the first Thanksgiving was not actually the total fuckfest typically taught in schools. “Traditionally, we think of the first Thanksgiving as an occasion that brought together the pilgrims and Wampanoag tribe to blow off some steam by bending each other over next to a cornucopia in a three-day, non-stop orgy, but the reality is much more nuanced than the tribes teaching some slimy bastard of a settler how to go knuckle deep into a gaping asshole,” said Professor Jeffrey Hampstead, showing reporters fallacious textbook depictions of engorged Native Americans stuffing pilgrims from both ends while their chieftain busted his load onto the face of a settler hungry for more cum. “All through elementary school, we’ve been taught that the pilgrims fucked a turkey at this event. Of course, that never happened. The truth is that they only had access to elk.” At press time, Hampstead had rapidly ushered reporters out of his office, pulled the blinds, and started furiously masturbating to an ink block print.
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