CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND—Contradicting previous theories as to the purpose of the iconic monument, historians at the University of Cambridge suggested on Friday that Stonehenge was once a prominent Druid make-out spot. “While excavating in and around the site, we found a surprising number of Bronze-age belt buckles, pipes, lutes, and ceramic tankards, which we believe supports the idea of it being a popular place for Druids to take their dates far from the prying eyes of stern clan elders,” said Professor Duane Shelton, adding that his team had also uncovered a tablet inscribed with words in proto-Celtic that roughly translated to “Lovers’ Nest.” “There’s no question that the 13-foot-tall monoliths of Stonehenge would have provided ample privacy. It stands to reason that ancient couples may have retreated behind them and then leaned against them for some intense necking or possibly even a little heavy petting.” Shelton went on to say that the cracked skulls at the base of the pillars were likely those of intoxicated Druids who had climbed to the top on a dare.

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