DAYTON, OH—Watching him nail routine after routine on a dingy game mat he had found in a box of his parents’ old things, sources confirmed Wednesday that history’s greatest Dance Dance Revolution player, 10-year-old Noah Wilson, had tragically been born decades too late. “It’s truly a shame to witness such an unrivaled talent, knowing that the craze peaked long ago and his abilities are of no use to anyone,” said former DDR champion Soda Yasushi, 38, who fondly recalled a time when the game had been ubiquitous in arcades, bowling alleys, and bars around the world, and wistfully observed that it all seemed to have been cast aside as quickly as it appeared. “My God, look at those up-down jump combos. I’ve never seen anything like it. He’s only a child, yet he has mastered ‘Let’s Groove’ without breaking a sweat—and without having heard the song before! It’s so sad the days of Dance Dance Revolution are long behind us, for he would have made a formidable adversary. I would like to have competed against him in Versus mode, but it was not to be. What a complete waste.” At press time, Wilson had reportedly mastered “Through The Fire And Flames” in expert setting on Guitar Hero, another astounding feat not appreciated by anyone in today’s society.