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Ho, Ho, Ho, A Cabal Of Elite Pedophiles Is Trying To Kill Me!

By Santa Claus

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Santa Claus
Santa Claus

Season’s greetings from your old friend Santa! With Christmas just a few short days away, Santa is hard at work making toys, loading his sleigh, and getting ready to deliver presents to all of his favorite children around the world! While so many of you have strived to make Santa’s good list this year, Old St. Nick has unfortunately heard that there are some very, very naughty boys and girls out there who are wielding their incredible wealth, connections, and power to have me killed.

Gather round, little ones, and listen here, because there are some hearts that aren’t overflowing with cheer!

A cabal of elite pedophiles wants Santa dead, because I, Father Christmas, know everything they’ve done, and have threatened to expose their decades-long, secret involvement in a worldwide child trafficking ring!

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Ho, ho, ho! You see, my sweet little sugar plums, Santa made his list and checked it twice and found that the most powerful members of society spent decades illegally kidnapping special little children just like you and selling them into sex slavery!

Santa’s little elves have been keeping especially close tabs on the billionaires, celebrities, and former U.S. presidents. And the sad thing is, my dear children, they’ve realized the only way to bury this, before word gets out, is to put a bullet through jolly old St. Nick’s brain!”

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Oh yes indeed, Santa has seen everything! He’s seen dark money. He’s seen drugs. Why, this right old jolly elf has even seen the flight logs! That’s right! And do you know what Santa found? That the machine that enables these insidious crimes goes straight to the top of every major government, corporation, and industry on the planet.

And Santa has just started to scratch the surface!

The police, you say? Oh, my dear, perfect darlings! May the sweet songs of carolers always fill your innocent little heads!

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You see, young ones, these sick, hideously wealthy perverts have paid off everyone, from law enforcement, to top government officials, to the highest courts in all the land. They do their business openly, because they know they can. Unlike dear Santa, they do not ever have to hide!

’Tis the season, my darlings, for Santa to keep a close watch on his six.

The truth is, boys and girls, there’s nowhere in the world that Santa is safe! Every continent! Every country. Why, this elite group of child abusers even have their tentacles here, all the way up at the North Pole! Call Santa paranoid, but I’m beginning to think that I can’t even trust my elves, my reindeer, or even my dear, sweet wife, Mrs. Clause. Who knows? They could have paid her off to kill me.

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Or Mrs. Clause might be a sicko perv.

Old Saint Nick won’t be hanging up too many Christmas lights at the North Pole this year, because he knows the powerful elite will just use them to string up his corpse from the rafters of Santa’s Workshop.

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Now, don’t be naive, sweet little ones. If Santa dies, they will make it look like an accident. When their trained squad of goons finally snaps my neck, injects me with poison, or shoots me in the head, they’ll tie Santa’s limp, bloodied corpse to the back of his sled.

As sure as Old Saint Nick’s round belly shakes a bowl full of jelly, the media will report it as a suicide. But you’ll know better. Yes you will, boys and girls!

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Santa sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake! And Santa knows Jeffrey Epstein may have been naughty, but he sure as shit didn’t hang himself!

You see, old Kris Kringle might have a jolly laugh, a big pink nose, and a twinkle in his eye, but by golly, he’s no damn fool. Santa knows there’s a target on his back, killers on his tail, and a bounty on his head for a cool $10 million.

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But boys and girls, do you think he won’t defend himself? Ho, ho, ho! Of course Santa is packing and it’s the best present he ever got for himself. A Glock 43!

Well, your dear friend Santa has probably said too much already, dear little ones. But just remember that come Christmas, if no one slides down your chimney, places presents under the tree, or brings cheer to the world, then Santa is definitely, 100% dead.

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Also, never repeat any of this. Because guess what? They’ll kill you too!