LOS ANGELES—Putting down their picket signs and picking up knives, striking SAG-AFTRA members announced Friday that they would disfigure their gorgeous faces if a contract with the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers was not reached by midnight tonight. “Good luck finding your next heartthrob when every last one of us has carved horrific scars into their beautiful symmetrical features!” said Ryan Gosling, one among thousands of Hollywood’s most attractive actors who had agreed to permanently alter their good looks if the studios did not meet them at the bargaining table in good faith. “You think I won’t do it? I’ll fucking do it. Margot Robbie is standing on a diving board above a vat of acid as we speak, and Michael B. Jordan has already sworn he’ll never do another squat. You think anyone’s going to watch season two of The Last Of Us if Pedro Pascal cuts his nose off?” At press time, the trade union’s character actors were reportedly threatening to become gorgeous through cosmetic surgery if a fair contract was not reached.
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