HOLLYWOOD, CA—Saying they could no longer continue operations amid such ambiguity, every film studio in Hollywood quietly halted all production Wednesday after realizing the concept of “entertainment” is, in fact, a delicate and complex matter of subjective opinion, sources reported. “Although it took a century of producing films and television shows to arrive at such a conclusion, we’ve recently come to understand that individual viewers possess vastly wide-ranging inclinations and preferences, and that creating a universally appealing narrative archetype is simply an impossible endeavor, and thus we must shut our doors at once,” said MGM executive Lindsey Reichers, who along with her fellow industry leaders made the decision to shutter all their facilities after learning that, despite their best efforts, the most recent season of The Big Bang Theory, the 1985 film Teen Wolf, both the original and the remake of RoboCop, and thousands of other titles were not beloved by 100 percent of the American populace. “We can’t continue to pour hundreds of millions of dollars into these family dramas, action trilogies, buddy comedies, and sci-fi thrillers if there’s no formula to ensure that we produce an objectively perfect work of art that is unanimously adored. Alas, how are we to go on any longer knowing that which thoroughly entertains one person, has the precise opposite effect on another? We cannot. So, sadly, we must close up shop for good.” When asked for further comment, executives admitted they took solace in the fact that their efforts had at least struck the mark one time in the industry's history with the production of Face/Off, the only known piece of entertainment unconditionally cherished by every person the world over.

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