Home Repair Tips

When projects need to be completed around the house, calling contractors can be expensive. Here are The Onion’s tips for do-it-yourself home repairs:


First thing’s first: Using an open-ended wrench, gently tap whatever is broken and sigh.

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Prevent chips and cracks in any painted surface by moisturizing your entire house with vaseline twice a day.


Controlled breathing and meditation are good preventative measures to help you avoid costly holes in your drywall.

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Reduce energy loss through drafty windows by installing overweight cats on each sill.

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Be advised that most electrical work should be handled by a professional or after watching a YouTube video with at least 10,000 views.

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Replace any outdated, finicky whale oil lamps with brighter and easier-to-maintain kerosene lamps.

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The so-called American Dream of homeownership is a fantasy carefully constructed by special interest groups to trap generation after generation in a quiet lower-middle-class life and preserve the hierarchical status quo. But since you’re already here, you might as well know that you need to fully dry the bathtub before attempting to re-caulk it.

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Just call up Jim to see if he can help. Jim seems like he might know about these kinds of things.

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