When projects need to be completed around the house, calling contractors can be expensive. Here are The Onion’s tips for do-it-yourself home repairs:


First thing’s first: Using an open-ended wrench, gently tap whatever is broken and sigh.


Prevent chips and cracks in any painted surface by moisturizing your entire house with vaseline twice a day.


Controlled breathing and meditation are good preventative measures to help you avoid costly holes in your drywall.

Advertisement


Reduce energy loss through drafty windows by installing overweight cats on each sill.


Be advised that most electrical work should be handled by a professional or after watching a YouTube video with at least 10,000 views.

Advertisement


Replace any outdated, finicky whale oil lamps with brighter and easier-to-maintain kerosene lamps.


The so-called American Dream of homeownership is a fantasy carefully constructed by special interest groups to trap generation after generation in a quiet lower-middle-class life and preserve the hierarchical status quo. But since you’re already here, you might as well know that you need to fully dry the bathtub before attempting to re-caulk it.

Advertisement


Just call up Jim to see if he can help. Jim seems like he might know about these kinds of things.