Homeland Security Claims Protesters Snatched Off Streets As Part Of New Surprise Makeover Series

Illustration for article titled Homeland Security Claims Protesters Snatched Off Streets As Part Of New Surprise Makeover Series

PORTLAND, OR—Expressing surprise at the backlash to what had been intended as an innocent prank, the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement Tuesday stressing that they had merely snatched protesters off the streets as part of a new surprise makeover series created in tandem with Netflix. “Frankly, we thought the citizens of Portland would be delighted to be pushed into unmarked federal vans and driven off to our fashion detainment sites for a full-blown style reinvention, but apparently we were mistaken,” said DHS Director Chad Wolf, adding that the department’s unidentified agents had been so excited by the prospect of detaining the protesters for an elegant and edgy salon-style haircut, makeover tutorial, and sartorial reboot that they had completely forgotten to coordinate with state or local officials. “Obviously, we could have made some mention of our plan to completely renovate their apartments while they were locked away in cells, but that would have ruined the surprise. Frankly, these protesters should be thanking us for getting rid of those frumpy jackets and unkempt beards and introducing them to their sexy, exciting new selves.” Wolf also told critics that when the department finally released the protesters from their makeovers in two years, they would be so fabulous that their friends and family wouldn’t even recognize them.

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