WASHINGTON—Dismissing the individuals in question as lacking the depth of character necessary to pose a credible national security threat, Homeland Security director Kirstjen Nielsen released a watch list Tuesday of terrorists who don’t have the balls to participate in a direct attack on the United States. “The men and women on this list represent some of the world’s biggest shit-talking pussies, people who say they’re all about bringing death to America but who wouldn’t dare set foot on U.S. soil, much less commit an act of terror. I’m daring…no, I’m begging any one of you chickenshits to try us,” said Nielsen in a press conference while extending her arm and repeatedly curling her fingers in a “bring it” gesture, inviting any of the 25 persons of interest to “come get hit if you’re gonna talk shit.” “My top priority as Homeland Security director is to protect Americans and, frankly, these whiny bitches make my job easy. None of them have the cojones to perpetrate an attack on fucking Schaumburg, IL let alone a major U.S. city.” Director Nielsen then boarded an Air Force jet making scheduled stops in Northern Ireland, the Basque highlands, and several spots in the Middle East in an effort to “see if these pansies will say that shit to my face.”

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