LOS ANGELES—In a desperate attempt to make some quick cash, a homeless Matt Damon was forced to sell his kidney Friday after losing everything in a crypto pump and dump scheme. “I know I shouldn’t have put all my money in that hyped up crypto token, but it seemed like a sure thing at the time!” said Damon, who was lowering himself in an ice bath at a run-down clinic just outside the city limits after being tricked into buying a fraudulent cryptocurrency right before the price crashed. “I already sold all the plasma I could to try to pay off the money I borrowed, and I’m feeling really weak. But what else am I supposed to do? God, they said Diarrhea Coin was going to make me filthy rich. What the hell was I thinking? Not only do I not have any money, now I won’t even have my fucking kidney.” At press time, Damon reportedly learned about a new cryptocurrency that was sure to turn everything around for him.