SACO, ME—In an effort to embrace the present moment, a local honey bear confirmed Monday that it was trying to live life to the fullest before crystallization spread throughout its entire body. “Until the day these sugar crystals finally take over my body, I just want to spend my precious time with the chamomile tea and toast that I love,” said the bear, explaining that it had attempted to treat the terminal crystallization by undergoing several 10-second sessions in the microwave, but the procedure provided only temporary relief. “Do I regret never being made into a fine mead? Of course I do, but I can’t change the past. I’ll always treasure when I collaborated with warm goat cheese to create something truly wonderful. And who knows? Maybe I’ll use this as an excuse to finally hook up with the jam jar.” At press time, the honey bear’s life tragically ended early after it fell from a shelf.
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