Well, you’re getting to that age. Your body is starting to change, and you may have begun to experience new kinds of feelings you’ve never felt before. I wish I could keep you little forever, but I can’t! It’s not always the easiest thing to talk about, but I want you to know that anytime you have a question about sex—no matter what it is—you can go into my closet and consult the hundreds of pages of fan fiction I’ve written.
It’s only natural to be curious about sex, sweetie, and my shelves full of unpublished erotica based on well-known fictional characters are always right there when you need answers.
You may have heard things about sex from your friends or classmates, but I want to make sure you get the right information, okay? And one place you can find it is, for example, in my short story that covers in graphic detail everything that happens off screen in season two of Buffy The Vampire Slayer when Buffy loses her virginity to Angel, a 200-year-old vampire. I know all this may seem a bit bewildering right now, but sex can be a wonderful and beautiful thing, a lesson I hope you’ll glean from the 20 years’ worth of smut I’ve written set in the worlds of The Avengers, The Hunger Games, and The Hobbit.
As your body changes, I’m sure you’ve noticed your thoughts are changing too. Maybe there are boys in your class you don’t think of the same way you used to. This can be confusing and even a little scary, especially if you haven’t read my three Gilmore Girls–Harry Potter crossover screenplays, in which Rory Gilmore falls for a brooding Ron Weasley, can’t take her mind off the bulging shaft under his robe, and longs to feel the magic of his thick, throbbing wand. But these kinds of urges are perfectly normal, honey.
Look, I can see you’re starting to blush. Still, you may find it helpful to look through my portfolio of illustrated fanfic that shows how, as they go through puberty, Sailor Moon’s breasts begin to ripen and both of Sonic the Hedgehog’s penises grow in length and girth.
Of course, you may not be attracted to boys, and that’s fine—whatever you feel, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Among the manuscripts filling the half dozen or so bankers’ boxes at the back of my closet, you’ll find one about Star Trek Voyager’s Seven of Nine finally learning what it means to be human one night as she explores every orifice of Captain Janeway’s body with her tongue. As long as it’s shared with someone we love and trust, a healthy sexual relationship can involve a woman and a man, a woman and a woman, a man and a man, or a woman and an anthropomorphic duck.
I know you may think it’s a little early to be talking about this stuff. After all, your period may not start for another couple years. But it’s best to get an early start looking through those hundreds of thousands of words so you’ll have the answers you need to questions such as “How do condoms work?” You’ll learn all about that in my Doctor Who spec script about a temporal rift that allows Rose Tyler to fulfill her fantasy of having sex with all 13 incarnations of the doctor at the same time, enjoying the variety of his many different penises.
I know you’re squirming, and I’m sure you want to go outside and play with your friends. Believe me, I understand. When I was your age, my own mother handed me a crudely bound book with Huckleberry Hound and Betty Rubble on the cover, murmuring something about how those two spent an entire night engaging in every depraved sexual act you can imagine and then, as the sun rose, took turns pissing on each other’s naked bodies. I thought I would die of embarrassment!
Just remember that any question you could possibly have is answered in those reams and reams of paper stacked up behind your mom’s clothes. If you ever think of something that’s not, just give me a pen, paper, and 15 minutes behind a locked door so I can whip something up for you.