By Curtis DiCicco

Sweetie, I hate to butt in, but I saw you trying to customize your bear and thought you could use a hand from someone who knows his way around the ‘ol Workshop. So what do you say, little lady? How about you scoot on over and let me take a quick peek under the hood?

Jesus. I’ve seen some botched D.I.Y. stuffed animals in my time, but . . . wow. You’ve really screwed this one up. You’d think a cute little morsel like you could handle matching a simple reindeer cape with a sequin Santa hat but evidently not. But, don’t worry, I can still fix this.

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Just step aside, honey, and let a real man show you how to Build-A-Bear.

Aw c’mon now baby, don’t cry! You were in way over your pretty little head from the get-go. I mean, in what world does a mini apron and oven mitt set go with sparkle pom flats and a Furever Princess Crown? It won’t be easy cleaning up the mess you’ve made, but with a bona-fide man by your side choosing the right handbag to complement your bear’s plush wristie we at least have a fighting chance.

Okay, right here, see what you did? Rookie mistake going straight for the Lil’ Vanilla Bean Cub. I say we start you off with something different, something a little less, how shall we say, advanced? Like this Happy Hugs Teddy, for instance. That seems about more your speed. And if you like that two-piece train conductor’s outfit, don’t even think about adding the rainbow heart sunglasses. No offense, but that type of stuff is way beyond the reach of an itty bitty thing like you.

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This is a man’s game, sugar.

I’d never expect you to pull off a bear like this on your own. All due respect, it’s just not ladies’ work. You can’t show me one gal who’s tough enough to go with a rose bouquet, a “Time for Tea” set, or a tiny purple yoga mat as their featured accessories. For everyone’s sake, it’s just best to have a guy like me calling the shots, selecting your bear’s special scent, and deciding just how snuggly soft its fur should be. So how about I do all the heavy lifting, and you just sit back and watch me bring this furry new friend to life, all righty?

Out of curiosity, though, were you really planning to record your personal audio greeting with that squeaky little voice? Well, I’m not saying you can’t. It’s just that the words “I wuv you” are gonna sound a whole lot better coming from someone with some hair on his chest.

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But here’s where you come in: Just tell me your special wish, and I’ll whisper it into the bear’s heart to make sure it gets in there. Then I’m afraid I’ll have to be on my way, as I have business to attend to at the American Girl doll store.