NAPERVILLE, IL—Struggling to recover after suffering such a severe assault, the masculinity of local dad Robert Banzino reportedly sustained a devastating blow Tuesday when his neighbor Mark Stewart took it upon himself to shovel the snow from Banzino’s sidewalk for him. “Hey, buddy, I hope you don’t mind that I went ahead and cleared the walkways in front of your place too,” Stewart said in an aggressive attack on Banzino’s manhood, absolutely annihilating the father’s sense of virility with the kind deed. “I saw that you hadn’t gotten to it yet [because you are an impotent, effeminate weakling], so I thought I’d help out [and, in turn, metaphorically castrate you]. Oh, and while I was at it, I figured I might as well shovel out your wife’s car too. I know she has a job to get to in the mornings [because you can’t even provide for her, let alone satisfy her sexually].” At press time, household sources confirmed Banzino had made a bold attempt to reassert his manhood by trekking outside with his shovel and claiming that Stewart had “missed a spot.”
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