Aries | March 21 to April 19
You've made it clear that you're a self-made man, and that no one can tell you how to live, but sometimes you think it might be nice to live indoors and eat people food.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Please stop comparing your own experiences to those of Sisyphus, who, unlike you, at least tried to get stuff done.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A bizarre misunderstanding on the part of a bordello owner results in your getting flayed within an inch of your life by hot Asian teens.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You're well on your way to becoming a better person, but only if your body doesn't reject the kidney.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Most messages from the Unknowable Infinite are vague and open to interpretation, but there's no pussyfooting around when it comes to your enormous ass.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
While it's true that performing crazy antics in a mascot suit is passé, it served you well for many years.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Next to its sheer beauty, the best thing about your throne of skulls is that every little skull represents a different memory.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll be horrified to realize how low the entertainment industry has sunk when you see exactly what that wacky, perverted Rick Moranis has shrunk this time.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Soon you'll show them all. Unfortunately, exactly what you'll show them is neither pretty, nor viewable by those under 18.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You're willing to do something to make the world a better place, but only if it entails using fire.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
This may be your star sign, but you have to admit that the differences between your own qualities and those indicated by the word "Aquarian" are pretty striking.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The happiness and positive energy heralded by Venus rising in your sign will be negated by the kinetic energy expended by Near Earth Asteroid B-2634628 falling on your house.