Aries | March 21 to April 19
Though you insist you can stop drinking whenever you want, the truth is, you can't seem to function without five or six pints of water a day.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
This is a good week for you to start new projectsñespecially those that involve taking a few dozen inches off your disgusting thighs, for Christ's sake.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A sudden outpouring of love and support from your family will embarrass the hell out of you in front of everyone.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
If stress overwhelms you this week, remember: Relax, take a deep breath, and put the pistol in your mouth, not against your temple.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Though you once thought it was merely a figure of speech, you will have a smirk slapped right off your face.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your plan to rob Fort Knox with a ragtag bunch of old Army buddies will go off without a hitch, leaving you plagued with feelings of guilt.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Though it's been more than three weeks now, you still don't have the heart to ask Ray Walston to leave your house.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your claim that you'll never sell out will be put to the test when you find out how much the labs are paying for a quart of plasma.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will meet a dark stranger this week. Please note that "dark" has at least seven different definitions which might apply in this case.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your making certain not to let your left hand know what the right is doing is negated by the fact that you cannot find your ass with either one.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It's time to assert yourself at work. Stop asking the office "grown-ups" for drinks of water.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your headaches will soon go away, along with all other nerve activity.