Taurus | April 20 to May 20
There comes a time in all of our lives when we're forced to admit that we need help, though it's not usually with getting a piano off our chests.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
When people think of all the ways picnics are ruined, it's rare that they come up with even half of the weird shit you've pulled.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
By this time next week, you'll be a living example of what it's like to get blued, screwed, and tattooed.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It's actually pretty well known that the "S" in Harry S Truman didn't stand for anything. You'll have to impress girls some other way.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your politics are tough, but fair. When you say "Put 'em all in camps," you do mean everybody.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The typical Virgo is helpful to a fault, trusting in matters of love, and outgoing. That said, you probably got your powerful thirst for gin from your father.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You've built a reputation as someone not to fuck with, which is unfortunate, as you would really like some fucking.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Buddha says that, while he may show you the way, only you can truly save yourself, proving once and for all that he's a lazy, fat bastard.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You haven't seen a lot of coroner's reports, but you're pretty sure yours shouldn't end with the phrase "right in the goddamn nuts!!!"
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Making the mature decision to throw out your beer-can collection will offer an added bonus when you find out that some of the cans still have beer in them.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The government has spent thousands of dollars training you to be a highly efficient killing machine, so please try and act like one from now on.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'd be a much more trusted and respected member of the community if you would just take your hand out of your pants every now and then.