Taurus | April 20 to May 20
This might not be much of a comfort, but those 426 people would've all died eventually, anyway.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
This is a time of great uncertainty for you, but maybe you should stop going around saying you're uncertain how all the sailors wound up in your bed.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It's been said that everyone ultimately becomes that which they despise, which may explain your sudden transformation into a platter of liver and onions.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Satan will appear before you, transport you to a mountaintop, show you the riches of the world, and then just leave you up there without food or shelter.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but that isn't the problem. The problem is that the stars actually have to tell you that.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your appetite for rich, fatty foods may not be healthy, but it would be even worse if it wasn't strictly sexual.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
It's time to start paying more attention to the things that make life worthwhile, such as oxygen molecules.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
There will be times when you can do nothing but stand back and witness events as they unfold. However, sometimes it's good to know how to put out a grease fire.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your plan to fake your own death will be thoroughly convincing right up through the autopsy.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Due to your devout Christianity, next Thursday will bring both the last moments and the biggest disappointment of your life.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You've never been much of an athlete, but it still hurts when the U.S. Olympic basketball team makes a point of mentioning that they never considered you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The fear that your phony law degree will be exposed turns out to be groundless when Applebee's hires you anyway.