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Horoscope for the week of April 23, 2003

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

This might not be much of a comfort, but those 426 people would've all died eventually, anyway.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

This is a time of great uncertainty for you, but maybe you should stop going around saying you're uncertain how all the sailors wound up in your bed.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

It's been said that everyone ultimately becomes that which they despise, which may explain your sudden transformation into a platter of liver and onions.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Satan will appear before you, transport you to a mountaintop, show you the riches of the world, and then just leave you up there without food or shelter.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

It's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but that isn't the problem. The problem is that the stars actually have to tell you that.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your appetite for rich, fatty foods may not be healthy, but it would be even worse if it wasn't strictly sexual.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

It's time to start paying more attention to the things that make life worthwhile, such as oxygen molecules.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

There will be times when you can do nothing but stand back and witness events as they unfold. However, sometimes it's good to know how to put out a grease fire.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your plan to fake your own death will be thoroughly convincing right up through the autopsy.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Due to your devout Christianity, next Thursday will bring both the last moments and the biggest disappointment of your life.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You've never been much of an athlete, but it still hurts when the U.S. Olympic basketball team makes a point of mentioning that they never considered you.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The fear that your phony law degree will be exposed turns out to be groundless when Applebee's hires you anyway.