Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The philosophical revelation that a container cannot contain itself will inspire you to develop a revolutionary new type of container.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You foolishly disregard the old saying about buying pigs in pokes, explaining that the pokes were cunningly disguised as blankets.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your plan to have children by the time you are 35 will go awry when you're shown a cute picture of a Weimaraner puppy in a bucket.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The stars are sorry, but writing the poems of Theodore Roethke on lamp shades doesn't make you an artist.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Doctors will cite your habits of smoking, drinking, and eating fatty foods as the primary source of your happiness.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will soon have reason to question the moral, ethical, and intellectual motivations behind your choice of long-distance carriers.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Love, adventure, and laughs will not come to you, but they will come soon to a theater near you.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
America will one day view sexuality in a healthy way, but until then, there are those Chippendale dancers.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your efforts to come to an understanding of the world will result in your creating a polytheistic religion based on the worship of megaliths.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Marshall McLuhan once said schizophrenia may be a consequence of literacy. Avoid this by sticking strictly to watching TV.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your theory that language is instinctive rather than a learned behavior would be more interesting if you communicated in anything but grunts.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You don't claim to know everything, but you're pretty sure that the illustrations in Gray's Anatomy shouldn't make you hungry.