Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Everyone doubted you when you said you were going to bike across the country last summer. Make them feel bad by telling them it's their fault you didn't.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your simple, pious life as a devout Lutheran is marred only by the giant talking Saint Bernard who seems to follow you everywhere.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will enjoy an unexpected day off from work when an out-of-control cement mixer runs over your legs.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Some have criticized horoscopy as being a passive method of fortune telling, and Cancer wants to change that. You WILL meet a dark stranger this week. Got it?
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It's true: Nobody likes a good ham-and-eggs breakfast more than you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will formulate a mathematical proof based on a paraconstant, quasi-logical, either/or transience that seems to prove that millions of checks are, at this very moment, in the mail.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The devil will appear in a sudden cloud of fire and brimstone to present incontrovertible proof that he did not, in fact, make you do it.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your exciting new job in the hospitality industry will require you to change a lot more bedsheets than you were led to believe.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You still haven't found anything that compares to the adrenaline rush you get from washing down a whole box of blueberry donuts with Strawberry Quik.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You meet your online romance, only to find he's no more exciting than you are.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
What your therapist has been calling "classic Aquarius behavior" is therapist shorthand for "being an asshole."
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
There is no accounting for taste, especially after your tongue is ripped out by pigeons next Thursday.