Taurus | April 20 to May 20
An innocent trip across town in your Abrams main battle tank to return a friend's industrial-grade power tools will somehow result in your pulling off the bank heist of the century totally by accident.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You really won't know what to think when God Himself appears to you and asks, rather shyly, if you think people would be okay with saying "God Herself" from now on.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Good coaching and kind, compassionate discipline will turn a ragtag group of problem kids into a top-notch football team, but you're just what they need to turn them back to violence and drug abuse.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You should move confidently in whatever direction your dreams take you, even if they're about being chased down a dark hallway by a bloody-fanged eggplant.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Mars descending in your sign is usually a sign of good luck, but that's when Mars isn't descending straight at you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Unfortunately, the police have also heard the story where the murderer kills her victim with a frozen leg of lamb and then feeds the evidence to investigators.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Treating yourself to a piece of pie when things go well is a good idea, but remember that you said "well," you fat fucking hog—not "barely acceptable."
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The other men who delivered babies in stalled elevators were considered heroes, but they didn't commandeer an elevator full of food, water, medical supplies, and women last July.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You remember what a good, strong, fiery kick a bottle used to have in the old days—it was nothing like the watered-down crap these puny kids are calling a Molotov cocktail.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Life as a left-hander isn't all that bad, but you still think it's small-minded of your insurance company to take such a laterally asymmetrical view of your accident coverage.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
This Thursday's sudden solar flare will have far-reaching cosmic effects, changing what should have been a good day for career ambitions into an opportunity for romance with a dark stranger.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
There's nothing wrong with consensual love between adult human beings, but as long as other people are demonizing it for personal gain, you want in.