Aries | March 21 to April 19
You are loyal, friendly, and an excellent companion. This is not because you are an Aries, but because you are a purebred Sealyham Terrier.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Try to take the long view: No matter how bad things are right now, you'll be dead in a hundred years.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will enjoy a brief moment of national exposure when Fox launches its new series, Geminis Caught On Tape!
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Be careful what you wish for this week. You won't get it, but it never hurts to be careful.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You are a person who marches to the beat of thousands of identical drummers.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will be forced to wrest control of your life from others next week. Until then, stay home and practice your wresting.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will expand your consciousness to encompass the Music Of The Spheres, only to realize it consists entirely of circus marches.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be faced with a cosmic revelation which you are unable to fully comprehend. Don't worry, though: You can always rent it again.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The stars, arranged as they are in a portentous and mystic combination existing only at this precise moment in time, indicate that this is not a good week to start new projects.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Try harder to make yourself understood by others this week by speaking louder and more slowly.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
This is no time to sit idly by and let others exercise their will over you, but that's exactly what you'll do.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Not everyone harbors a feeling of icy hatred towards you. Some people's hatred is actually quite fiery.