Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your stance on the health-care crisis tends to be rather conservative, but for the next few months, it will be heavily influenced by the steel bar protruding from your ribs.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Immortality of a sort is yours when your photo becomes one of the most resonant images of this century, with millions appreciating the late light, your beatific expression, and the butterflies fluttering in and out of your bullet wounds.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You've always thought that your tendency to ask a lot of questions about the local culture was appreciated, but judging by the flames licking at your body and the tightness of the ropes, it seems you might have been mistaken.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You've never been more internally conflicted than you'll be next Wednesday, when a choice of three desserts reveals what a shallow person you are.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You don't seem to have as much energy and endurance as you used to—that is, if the little row of charge-indicator LEDs on your chest can be trusted.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Even if you can't help your snoring, you should do more to respect the anger of the rest of the Chicago Philharmonic.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Modern design continues to exert too much influence on your life, as you'll soon be available in six hot new colors, in addition to classic brushed aluminum.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Hope can sustain a person through excruciating personal trials, but unfortunately, there's no real reason to believe that the new Star Wars movie will be tolerable.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You never thought you feared change all that much, but that's before the temperature started varying by about 100 degrees Fahrenheit every minute or so.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The quite understandable fear of conquering hive-minds will grow to a fever pitch this week when it's revealed that one in five Americans is a component of you.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your idea was brilliantly executed, but even in today's instant-gratification culture, you won't sell more than a few dozen copies of Learn Rock Guitar In 45 Seconds.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars forecast a great deal of upheaval and turmoil in your future, especially if you do not return their frickin' celestial hedge trimmer tout de suite.