Horoscope for the week of April 7, 2004

We may earn a commission from links on this page.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Tonight, take a moment to say a few words in honor of the brave deliveryman who died bringing hot, delicious pizza to your House Of Knives.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your weight may be too high, but that's no reason for the police to describe what will happen to you as a triple homicide.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

There hasn't been a stampeding death in your area in more than a century, but your air horn and steer costume will change all that.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

This week is a good one for romance in the workplace, and an even better one for necromancy in the breakroom.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

As a defiler of famous authors' graves, you must agree that if Dorothy Parker were dug up and laid end to end, you wouldn't be a bit surprised.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Horrible, six-mawed creatures from beyond time and space won't let you have a chance at the million-dollar prize unless you buy their magazines.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

One man's ball sweat is another man's enchanting musk. Find out exactly who these men are, tonight on News At 10.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your feeble constitution is noted once again when you enter the hospital after being savagely beaten at checkers.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You've said that none of those people would've died, if only they had let you live your own life. But, come on, you know that isn't true.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Television taunts you once again, this time with a show where convicted felons get to have puppies even though you don't.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

A bad experience with free jazz, indirect mood lighting, and spiritual possession will show you that there's a right way and wrong way to commune with the infinite.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The stars apologize for the temporary and unavoidable delay. Your life will resume its accelerating downward spiral within moments.