Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Gay pizza deliverymen are a dime a dozen, which is fortunate for you, as you'll soon be on the management end of that deal.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Investigators will say that your death was caused by shoddily wired bathroom lighting, but that's just wishful thinking since you're standing right there.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Government officials will call your new doomsday device "brilliant in its simplicity" and "a marvel of American ingenuity," but they won't be able to say so for long.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll be forced to expand the list of shit you have to put up with to include "goat."
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Suppressed-memory therapy will do wonders for you, but only until you recover the long-lost knowledge that suppressed memories are bullshit.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Finding families for homeless animals is all well and good, but you could have prevented the tramplings if you'd considered the elephants' feelings on the matter.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll soon be exactly as popular as the trombone player in a chubby-chaser bar. This might not make a lot of sense now, but trust us, you'll see.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
No one will believe that it looked like the Girl Scouts were going for their guns, but believe it—in an alternate universe, you've been filled with lead from the waist down.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
It's true you were trapped in the gourmet popcorn poppery, but you still don't see why they insisted on sending help.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll wake to find that the unexplained mental quirk that turned you into a leather fetishist has finally been worked out, but just wait until you get a load of a few cotton-polyester blends.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars found it hard to concentrate on your future this week, as they themselves aren't exactly teenagers anymore.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You definitely know a good thing when you see it, at least as long as the price tag is clearly visible.