Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll soon take your leave of this world, which has become your own personal hell, and enter a hell shared by billions of miserable bastards.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will soon have a romantic encounter with a dark stranger… By dark, the zodiac means "enigmatic and mysterious"—not that the stranger is black.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
There are times when you wonder how a promising backyard-wrestling star wound up driving an Army transport truck in Iraq, but you usually remember pretty quickly.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You have no idea why all the surviving members of Art Blakey's Jazz Messengers decided to burn your house down with you in it, but as a jazz aficionado, you're glad they brought their instruments along to pass the time.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The stars can't believe you fell for it when they said you wouldn't be caught if you drove your Explorer through the crowd at Sun Creek Pancake Days. Enjoy prison.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The bear's probably going to be pretty hung over when it wakes up, so it would be best to go somewhere else to wonder how your bank robbery went wrong.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You still don't think your bail should get bigger every time you get arrested.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Although the incumbent will stand firm on his platform of fair taxes, better schools, and safer streets, you'll win in a landslide from your platform of human skulls.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The days are long past when you could get a healthy baby for less than a hundred grand, but you'd be surprised how many sick ones that kind of money will land you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You knew that house cats liked to play cruelly with their prey before eating it, but you had no idea that they grew to the size of the one outside your door right now.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You've been a chronic underachiever most of your career, which is pretty good news considering that you're a professional rapist.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Science has no explanation for the antlers that appeared on your forehead yesterday morning. The Elizabethans, however, had a word for it. It sounds like "uckoldry."