Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Mercury ascendant in Leo indicates that your mother so fat she gots her own damn ZIP code.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You know, the stars are beginning to suspect that it is no longer possible for a competent person to be elected president of this nation.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
An assassin from the future will attempt to prevent the birth of the next Hitler by materializing in your bedroom at a particularly awkward moment.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The ghost of Hemingway appears to you in a dream and explains for the last time that the old man was an old man, the sea was the sea, and the fish was just a fish.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
We're sorry. Last week's prediction of "a night journey over water" should indeed have read "waterfall." Best wishes for your speedy recovery.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
One of your greatest problems is your inability to ignore oversimplified, arbitrary, and potentially unsound advice from dubious sources.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You are decidedly nonplussed when you receive the entire America Online corporation free in the mail this week.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The life's work of poet Wallace Stevens will change you forever when it falls from the top shelf onto your head, paralyzing you from the neck down.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your name will appear several times in the coroner's report, smudged though it will be by tears of laughter and overenthusiastic highlighting.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You might have decided that you don't believe in God, but that's okay–He believes in Himself.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Job-related burnout can be tough, but keep in mind that you fulfill a necessary function. After all, those nurses aren't going to strangle themselves.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Whatever you do this week will prove that Rip Torn was right about you.