Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You will be shocked to discover that the police no longer reimburse citizens for shooting people.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will finally begin to understand the events of last Thursday after studying the work of Taiwanese mathematician Shi-Shyr Roan.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

If jackalopes are imaginary, it raises the question of who or what has been doing your laundry all these months.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You're the kind of guy who, faced with the choice of either doing the pericardiocentesis or just pronouncing the patient dead, will pronounce him dead every time.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Quelling the unrest in the forest will severely limit the time you can spend with your prog-rock band this week.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Next week will see you destroy a 60-foot sailboat, a 200-year-old country house, and a million-dollar racehorse, making you a legend at Harvard.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your mother still introduces you as her son the future doctor, even though you're a woman and dentist, and your mother's been dead for seven years.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Give in to progress this week. Replace that throne of skulls with a comfortable, ergonomic Aeron office chair.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

This is a great time for your career. Which isn't a good thing for everyone since you're a coroner, but hey.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Your life story is a hit in the pages of Japan's Young Machine magazine, but it loses something in the translation to English.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

What people don't understand is that the drinking, casual sex, and off-color jokes are the only way of coping with the pressures of video-store clerking.