Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn him in for the reward money.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You have never been successful at the game of love, but at least you've finally figured out that the rules are similar to those of Scrabble.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
This would be a good time to start new endeavorsófar better than all previous times, which would have been utter shit.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will be endlessly pleased with your brief mention in an Entertainment Weekly article titled "500,000 Rising Stars Of Indie Film."
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will give your love a chicken which has no bone, horrifying her as the bird flops about and clucks piteously.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You never thought anything could ever replace sex in your life, but that was before you tried pouring yourself a nice stiff drink, putting on some music, and having sex.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You call yourself "an avid people-watcher," but deep down you know you really only watch for the crashes.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Look on the bright side: If you'd done a better job designing the airliner's landing gear, Wednesday's newspaper sales would have been much lower.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Stalled career got you down? Do what Sagittarius does and take a look at what Ahmad Rashad is up to these days.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You attempt to reconstruct the proto-language that gave rise to Nostratic and, thus, all modern tongues, but just wind up reading The Lord Of The Rings again.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will soon rise to fame as America's greatest unromantic-inaction hero.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Next week, you will learn just how much polar bears hate to be teased when, while attempting to play with one at the zoo, you hurt its feelings by calling it "roly-poly."