Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your love for the classic American folk song "Goodnight Irene" will soon have the media referring to you as the Goodnight Irene Slasher.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will be forced to admit that being up to your neck in pussy is not as sexy as it sounded.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars indicate that more Zodiac signs choose Jif than any other leading brand of peanut butter.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your love life will take a turn for the better when you begin to incorporate lessons gleaned from Clausewitz's On War.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your life will continue its pattern of long stretches of boredom punctuated by intense moments of wondering what exactly nougat is.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your office romance begins to go awry when your coworkers realize that it's more of an office-furniture romance.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your date will somehow fail to be pacified when told that your tail is not, in fact, prehensile.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will free up several hours in your week when you realize that there is no need for you to hold daily eating practice.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Saul Bellow has called modern life "an unbearable state of distraction," but you seem to enjoy it well enough.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Before you use the words ennui, angst, or weltschmertz one more time, the stars politely request that you look them up and find out what they actually mean.