Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You were a cop, and a damn good one at that, but you committed the ultimate sin and testified against one of your own. Now, you must pay the price and be doomed to late-night cable syndication.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
This holiday season is, as always, a time of terrible stress for you and the rest of the well-formed, eight-foot-tall pine trees.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You would be a lot more comfortable with your home life if you knew why seven-time Winston Cup champion Richard Petty was always hanging around the place.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll have the kind of week that makes you wish your parents had followed through on their military-school threats, but for different, sexier reasons.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll have a thrilling adventure whose recounting will be greatly enjoyed by those willing to sit through your seizures to get to the sign language.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will get a good deal on a major appliance purchase, but that's about it.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be the toast of forensic investigators from coast to coast for your ability to really spread the ol' fluids around the murder scene.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It's impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher–partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you're a dogcatcher.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You've never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they're all bullshit anyway.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.