Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

It's often hard to say goodbye, but that doesn't excuse your practice of throwing down a smoke bomb and escaping in the confusion.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You are possessed with abilities far beyond those of mortal man, but if your super-heroic origin story ever got out, no one would take you seriously.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

It turns out that being a slumlord is actually a whole lot of fun, at least for the time being.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Whoever said it was easier to destroy than to create never tried collecting their feces in jars for 18 months.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You thought you'd seen the worst humanity had to offer, but that was before you read fan-fiction set in an alternate universe where Hawkeye Pierce and Father Mulcahy are lovers.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

There will finally be a call for restraint among athletes, but not before Joe Horn does a taunting victory dance over the burst ribcages of your family.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

With winter upon us, it's time to reflect, take stock of our lives, and maybe wear a skirt that covers your thighs, you slut.

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Somehow, you don't believe your boss when he tells you that your coworker of 12 years went off to live with a nice family on a beautiful farm.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Unfortunately, a disagreement over whether cool jazz is superior to smooth jazz will not end in bloodshed.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

A mysterious portrait of you, painted by an acknowledged master, will increase in value as the years progress, while you remain worthless.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You may be new to farming, but everyone knows that haystacks should be made of hay. Using needles not only injures your cattle, it also clues the other farmers in to the fact that you are a nerd.