Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A chance remark at a bar will result in a pack of angry, middle-aged drunks insisting, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, that punk is not dead.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
What you thought was a folksy comment turns out to be the plain truth when wet, slushy snow and heavy winds combine to make for rough sledding.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Optimism will once again be your downfall when, during a trip to Ohio, you assume that the angry natives will be awed into submission by your lighter.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Mars rising with the moon in syzygy says nothing about your future. It means "Screw you, fatty."
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
People will finally admit that you fulfilled your potential when you pass out in bed and your crack pipe sets off a massive goat-porn fire.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It's always the last person you'd expect that ends up being a murderer, marrying your sibling, or getting elected president.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
It won't be failure to adapt that kills you, but the ability to pause live television.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll fend off a lot of polite inquiries from Asians before you realize that your new Chinese tattoo actually reads "Ask Me About My Grandchildren."
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your love for the unexpected joy of "snow days" will not translate directly into a love for next week's hellish rains of fire and blood.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars can warn you not to argue with clergymen over predestination this week, though they are ultimately helpless to stop you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
If you enjoyed last week, then relax. As usual, this week won't be a whole lot different from the previous one.