Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

A chance remark at a bar will result in a pack of angry, middle-aged drunks insisting, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, that punk is not dead.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

What you thought was a folksy comment turns out to be the plain truth when wet, slushy snow and heavy winds combine to make for rough sledding.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Optimism will once again be your downfall when, during a trip to Ohio, you assume that the angry natives will be awed into submission by your lighter.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Mars rising with the moon in syzygy says nothing about your future. It means "Screw you, fatty."

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

People will finally admit that you fulfilled your potential when you pass out in bed and your crack pipe sets off a massive goat-porn fire.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

It's always the last person you'd expect that ends up being a murderer, marrying your sibling, or getting elected president.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

It won't be failure to adapt that kills you, but the ability to pause live television.

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You'll fend off a lot of polite inquiries from Asians before you realize that your new Chinese tattoo actually reads "Ask Me About My Grandchildren."

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Your love for the unexpected joy of "snow days" will not translate directly into a love for next week's hellish rains of fire and blood.

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

The stars can warn you not to argue with clergymen over predestination this week, though they are ultimately helpless to stop you.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

If you enjoyed last week, then relax. As usual, this week won't be a whole lot different from the previous one.

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