Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Just when your life seems to be a never-ending series of miseries, disappointments, and small disasters, it will surprise you by abruptly ending.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Nothing can convince you that the chase sequence in Bullitt isn't the greatest love scene ever committed to film.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars say this is a good week for romance, but lately you've been getting the feeling they're not talking about you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will come very close to acting heroically when you push an old lady out of the way of a hurtling bus and underneath a cement truck.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Don't take next week's failures too hard: No one could have foreseen the sudden appearance of so many ax-wielding monkeys.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your neighbors are progressive enough to accept a May/December romance, but don't expect them to like your May/at-least-a-year-from-October fling.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Certain shortcomings in your education and upbringing cause you to read meaning into the relationships among various celestial bodies.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll soon meet someone who helps you forget all about that previous bad relationship by forcing you to focus on putting out constant fires.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be bemused and bewildered to discover that you are mentioned in the creation myths of three-fourths of the world's cultures.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Now that you've achieved exactly half of your life's goals, it's time to start thinking about eating a second whole turkey.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will suffer humiliation and loss of reputation when your culinary experiments in Korean/Latin fusion blow an entire city block sky-high.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your troubles will be over before you know it, but most witnesses will agree that you probably didn't feel a thing.