Aries | March 21 to April 19
Financial success looms large in your future, perched to topple over and crush you and everything you love.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
There is nothing in your world more satisfying than a good taco and a can of beer, but then, there is almost nothing in your world at all.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Post-coital cigarettes are one thing, but the pre- and mid-coitus cigarettes you're asking those men to smoke are really starting to annoy them.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Death by firing squad has a certain desolate nobility, but it'll be ruined when the inept, drunken Australians fail to hit you above your waist with the first nine volleys.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your fear of terrorist attacks is just the thing to get you out of getting married and raising a family.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
There's probably something in your life that can't be explained in a single-panel cartoon, but so far, those New Yorker guys have hit the nail on the head every time.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll briefly be the centerpiece of all creation when the guiding force of the universe remembers that it hasn't hit anyone with lightning in a long time.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You've explained over and over that you aren't Siamese twins, but unfortunately for you, your surgical team has "separation" on the brain.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You'll wish you'd bought better shoes when your smelly, worn-out, charred sneakers are featured in a "Don't Smoke At The Pumps" PSA.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll launch a new street fashion when you find a way to embed diamonds in an otherwise unremarkable pair of breasts.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Don't worry: You aren't the first guy to fall in love with a fast-talking, gold-digging knockout, you derivative hack.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You've always said that if you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't change a thing, so expect the eternal return of a morass of mediocrity followed by an untimely death.