Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You've once again dodged the annoyance of jury duty, but good luck getting out of your obligation to act as judge and executioner.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You're thankful that the firefighters saved your life, but you don't see why their report had to note that you were "sitting around the house!!!" when the fire started.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Buckle up: It's going to be one hell of a bumpy ride. The stars aren't speaking metaphorically here. Wear your seatbelt all week.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
We're each the star of our own personal saga, which in your case is actually more of a light-beer commercial.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll be a hero for the shortest interval in human history when you push an old lady out of the path of a careening bus and into that of a runaway locomotive.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The sad truth is that you only wear the ape suit to cover the burn scars that cover your twisted frame.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
If there's anything happening in your future next week, it doesn't seem important enough to write in the sky.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
In retrospect, you should have wondered why the creepy ventriloquist's dummy was always at the scene of the crime.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll achieve wealth and change your culture forever after coming up with a sitcom plot in which the evil twin is part of a set of triplets.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You haven't carried out any of the reforms you promised you would, but you'll still be re-elected by a majority of your girlfriends.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll get an incredible sense of personal satisfaction from your new pet, which is why the shocked and disgusted Humane Society workers take it away.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
If you never have to deal with angry, drunken Basque separatists who have stolen the Shroud Of Turin again, it'll be too soon.