Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will suffer terrible pain and emotional trauma, and all because someone put a diving board where it didn't belong.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Enjoy your position at the top of the food chain, because God is about to shake things up a little with the new Mountain Lion 2.0.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Singing underneath your true love's window seems romantic, but because of poor planning, you'll wind up seducing the convent's entire dormitory wing.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You're about to face yet another week of life-or-death struggles, but as usual, all you really have to do is remember to eat.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The idea behind judo is to make an opponent's strength work against him, making you immune to the martial art.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Many prophesied that you'd wind up wearing your ass for a hat, but they didn't predict that the fickle world of fashion would co-opt the look overnight.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The inner world of every person contains realms unimagined, but you should still be able to guess what your license-plate-collecting brother-in-law might like for Christmas.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Where there's life, there's hope. This week, your heart will become the home of many single-celled, fungal, and parasitic species of hope.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your inability to conduct both parallel and distributed computational processes will prevent you from being an integral component in next year's hottest laptops.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It's small-minded of him, but the detective investigating your death will suspect foul play simply because he would have tried to kill you himself.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You may march to the beat of a different drummer, but the important thing is that you're not being subversive and trying to walk on your own.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll be sued for slander, sexual harassment, inciting to riot, and a half-dozen other crimes when you decide to let your dancing speak for you.