Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You're getting closer to the secret of happiness all the time, but before this makes you too happy, you should hear the story of Achilles and the tortoise.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Religious leaders from around the world will agree that God seems to be reacting to your criticism rather harshly.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You've never believed in running away from love, but then again, you've never been on the business end of a coked-up rhinoceros' ardor before.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It won't come as much of a shock to you, but according to your spouse and children, your replacement is doing one heck of a good job.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You might not like it, but even you have to admit that your foibles and predilections are accurately captured in the popular new parody version of you.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Once again, you've been nominated for an award in the prestigious "Most Engulfed In Flames" category.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It's time to exploit your connections in order to get a better job. Start cozying up to the guy who handles the local classified ads section.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You've decided to take it as a compliment that all your lovers describe you as a wizard in the bathroom.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your life story will be a testimony to the healing power of love for nachos.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You'll realize that you're not like the others when a visit to a historic Civil War battlefield forever changes the way you feel about custom kitchen cabinetry.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be hunted to the ends of the earth by torch-wielding opera traditionalists after enraptured reviewers refer to you as the "long-sought Fourth Tenor."
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
By the time you get what you want, you've changed so much that you don't want it anymore, which sends the waitress into a rage.