Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Try to keep things in proper perspective this week, even after you lose your left eye to marauding longbowmen.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your conviction that there is meaning and purpose to life is shattered when you are reminded of the existence of Phyllis Diller.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Though you know the difference between a pseudopod and a blastula, you can't figure out why you would suddenly sprout so many of them.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Until next Thursday, you would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that unicycles couldn't explode.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You will enjoy increased attention when you are chosen as the site of the 2008 Summer Olympics.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You will finally achieve lasting peace of mind this week, moments after a wayward icepick removes your frontal lobe.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your whole view of the universe will change drastically when you learn you have been greatly overestimating the strength of the weak nuclear force.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

No one can say you don't have good all-American values. After all, you're the House Of All-American Values off Route 40 in Davenport, IA.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your conspiracy theory about a shadowy cabal of high-ranking Hardee's executives who run the Hardee's restaurant chain from behind the scenes turns out to be frighteningly close to reality.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The worst thing about the bloody events of next week will be that Penn and Teller feel no need to apologize for any of it.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Though you're not sure why people are always telling you to go screw yourself, there's no real reason not to.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

The derisive laughter of others is silenced when your deed to the Brooklyn Bridge turns out to be legal and ironclad.


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