Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Try to keep things in proper perspective this week, even after you lose your left eye to marauding longbowmen.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your conviction that there is meaning and purpose to life is shattered when you are reminded of the existence of Phyllis Diller.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Though you know the difference between a pseudopod and a blastula, you can't figure out why you would suddenly sprout so many of them.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Until next Thursday, you would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that unicycles couldn't explode.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will enjoy increased attention when you are chosen as the site of the 2008 Summer Olympics.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will finally achieve lasting peace of mind this week, moments after a wayward icepick removes your frontal lobe.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your whole view of the universe will change drastically when you learn you have been greatly overestimating the strength of the weak nuclear force.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
No one can say you don't have good all-American values. After all, you're the House Of All-American Values off Route 40 in Davenport, IA.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your conspiracy theory about a shadowy cabal of high-ranking Hardee's executives who run the Hardee's restaurant chain from behind the scenes turns out to be frighteningly close to reality.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The worst thing about the bloody events of next week will be that Penn and Teller feel no need to apologize for any of it.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Though you're not sure why people are always telling you to go screw yourself, there's no real reason not to.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The derisive laughter of others is silenced when your deed to the Brooklyn Bridge turns out to be legal and ironclad.