Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The stars are flattered you asked, but your future can only be read in steaming-fresh sheep entrails.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Explorers will finally find the long lost city of Atlantis this week. All the evidence will point to you.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Excitement and romance are Taurus' lot this week when, dressed as a high-priced hooker, you infiltrate the Governor’s Ball and get free snacks.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You and your spouse find a good way to bring excitement back into the bedroom. Expect to be pinned down behind the bureau by small arms fire for the next several weeks.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The whimsical unicorn from the back of your denim vest will magically come to life and frame you for counterfeiting.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You will finally find your heart’s desire, but not in your first color choice.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Fewer things in life are as good and pure as you once believed. After Friday, you’ll cross "cute puppies" off your list.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Yet another perfect witchburning will be ruined by the presence of irritating smoke alarms. Consider finding a new apartment.

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

The courts will finally grant you access to your permanent record, but it contains only a disturbingly complete history of Menudo.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Make a move toward self-improvement this week. Mark the toes of your shoes with a large "L" and “R" as needed.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Your parents will finally admit that your birth was the result of 1974's most ambitious and controversial 4-H project.

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Events will teach you the hard lesson that money is not the most important thing in the world. Nice shoes are.