Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your money problems will worsen this week when the other prisoners start trading you for fewer cigarettes than usual.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
This week, envy rears its ugly head, realizes there's nothing enviable about you, blinks a couple times, and goes back to sleep.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
One of your biggest problems is your inability to take life as it comes. Another is your ongoing inability to take your own life.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You have always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, which makes it all the more amusing when your pants fall down anyway.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You have as bright a future in the area of romance as in just about any other area, as far as that goes.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
There are thousands of types of people in the world: The type that divides the world up into two types of people, and the thousands of other types.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Though you believe otherwise, it is not healthy to prefer the novels of Henry James to actual human contact.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your fascination with monkeys is so well known that it makes the selection of an unbiased jury nearly impossible.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your conviction that there is a monster under the bed would be a mere eccentricity if you weren't so heavily armed and it was your own bed.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your bladder-control problems are a thing of the past when you find yourself able to consistently hit a two-inch target at 100 yards.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will finally accept responsibility for your infant daughter. With any luck, she's still where you left her last month.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A person can only hide behind one's virginity for so long. Even if, as in your case, it is a particularly harsh and forbidding virginity.