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Horoscope for the week of February 5, 2003

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

It was nice of Utah Jazz great Karl Malone to visit you in the hospital, though you are not sick and easily could have entertained him at home.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

The stars will soon be in a unique alignment, revealing a mysterious sign in the heavens. Which sounds impressive but means you'll be able to see a birdie.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You will never again be able to live in peace due to the enduring and seductive power of your moose call.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You will spend three frustrating weeks trying to incorporate the word "evanescent" into a sentence.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Just so you know: If you speak fluent Farsi and have a thorough knowledge of Middle Eastern culture but don't like travel, it's a good time to keep your mouth shut.


Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

It might be heartfelt, but your long, freeform version of "Old Man River" will get your lily-white ass laughed off the stage.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Just because that man is dead and in his grave doesn't mean you can go around squeezing the Charmin as much as you please.


Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Actually, "mannickjore" refers to the white-necked stork of the Indian subcontinent, more commonly known to white settlers as the "beefsteak bird."


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Something big is in your future. Please be sure to note the absence of any specific positives in that sentence.