Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It was nice of Utah Jazz great Karl Malone to visit you in the hospital, though you are not sick and easily could have entertained him at home.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
The stars will soon be in a unique alignment, revealing a mysterious sign in the heavens. Which sounds impressive but means you'll be able to see a birdie.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will never again be able to live in peace due to the enduring and seductive power of your moose call.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will spend three frustrating weeks trying to incorporate the word "evanescent" into a sentence.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Just so you know: If you speak fluent Farsi and have a thorough knowledge of Middle Eastern culture but don't like travel, it's a good time to keep your mouth shut.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
It might be heartfelt, but your long, freeform version of "Old Man River" will get your lily-white ass laughed off the stage.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Just because that man is dead and in his grave doesn't mean you can go around squeezing the Charmin as much as you please.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Actually, "mannickjore" refers to the white-necked stork of the Indian subcontinent, more commonly known to white settlers as the "beefsteak bird."
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Something big is in your future. Please be sure to note the absence of any specific positives in that sentence.