Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You should have realized long before the bag rotted away that the snipe isn't ever coming out.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Though you are unable to cultivate a reputation as a great lover of women, yourreputation as an above-average lover of pancakes remains secure.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You can probably put it off for a while, but eventually you'll have to figure out whatall those sirens mean.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
In time, Death comes to all men, but the way he keeps stopping by to have a beer and moan about the Steelers' AFC Championship loss is a little pathetic.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your insistence that "if they wanted people to understand the penal code, they would've written it down somewhere" will only get you so far.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your missing legs don't have to be a handicap. At least not in some strange alternate universe where people are flying saucers from the waist down.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll save more than $40,000 by freezing your corpse in a bathtub full of ice instead of springing for the cryogenics.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Even if you live to be 100, you'll never understand homosexuality. But don't let that stop you from having sex with all those guys.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the sweat on your balls won't do her any good. Show her how.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see a man who has several pairs he doesn't even wear. Then, you will cry great, heaving sobs until you can hardly even breathe.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can't find one, they'll use something else.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars say you should be patient and that it can't last forever. They didn't say what they're talking about, though.