Horoscope for the week of January 12, 2005

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Aries | March 21 to April 19

Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your pocket Bible will stop an assailant's bullet, but not before it passes through four innocent bystanders, a school-bus gas tank, and your genitals.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You will learn a valuable lesson about strategic thinking after you write insults in your worst enemy's Advanced Judo handbook.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

After traveling for months, Nashvillian monks will appear at your door to announce that you are the latest incarnation of the Dolly Parton.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Antisthenes wrote, "It is a kingly thing to do good and to then be abused," but that does not mean that you're the king.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

There seems to be a universal force that balances out the good and bad events in our lives. Don't worry about it, though, as nothing ever happens to you.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You'll never know if your "I'm With Stupid" casket was a big hit, but you have the courage of your convictions.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

There will soon come a time when your happiness depends on where and whether an enormous man catches a ball.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Be assured that the Author of all Creation has a plan for you. Unfortunately, it involves a hackneyed "evil twin" plot twist you'll see coming a mile away.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions—including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria—in women who may become pregnant.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You never thought you'd do anything to set the world on fire, but after a three-month arson investigation, that's what the U.N. tribunal will determine.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The stars have foretold a night journey over water, so get cracking on those plane tickets, pronto.