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America's Finest News Source.

Horoscope for the week of January 14, 2004

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Aries | March 21 to April 19

You suspect that personal feelings are taking priority over scientific endeavor when NASA announces they'll rocket your fat ass into orbit later this year.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Sleep is hard to come by this week, as you struggle to understand why no one has yet come out with JalapeƱo Cheese Wings.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You're not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, which makes you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You're ready to put that bad relationship and all its painful memories behind you, but unfortunately, it'll be available on DVD starting next week.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your credulity will be stretched to the limit by the circumstances under which only you can control the giant robot.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You knew your mitochondria had their own DNA, but you had no idea that their taste in clothes was so different.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You're coming to regret that, when the choice was made available to you, you went with neither hugs nor drugs.

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You'll make big news in Biblical archaeology when you find evidence that Job's trials included a four-year stint as head coach of the Chicago Bears.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You've never been afraid to make bold statements concerning what you're all about, which leaves a lot of people emotionally unsatisfied by your ending.

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Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You don't like using the words "wacky," "nutty," or "zany," but you'll find it hard to describe the inept band of crooks in any other way.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your moral values foster the brotherhood of man under the fatherhood of God, which doesn't stop you from downloading tons of "mother-daughter" smut.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won't keep everyone else from trying.