Aries | March 21 to April 19
You're not sure why, but you've never bought that one chicken's alleged reason for crossing the road.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A trip to sunny Bermuda does not recharge your batteries due to the fact that your worker-robot casing isn't equipped for solar-energy uptake.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Classical musicians worldwide will be out for your blood when you compose the brilliant but torturous-to-play Punishment Symphony For Orchestral Dipshits.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll balloon up to triple your weight after several months spent following a diet-book typo that told you to eat 16,000 calories a day.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll be held in contempt of court by several judges you haven't even met, which you have to admit is pretty good anticipation on their part.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll be stripped, cleaned, oiled, and lovingly Briwaxed even though you insist that you are not a 1930s craft project.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
They say make-up sex is the hottest, so it's probably not a good idea to resolve that long-standing feud with your parents.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Eventually, they'll figure out who it was that broke into the safe, but they'll just laugh at you for taking the money when you could've had the secret pie recipe.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You'll finally learn to stop looking like you've put your makeup on with a trowel just as the hot new trend of trowel-applied makeup catches on.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It's true that the best-laid plans of mice and men go oft awry, but the mutant rodents in the sewers beneath your home have been planning your death for years.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You can remember a happier time when you were young and hopeful and Yaphet Kotto wasn't following you everywhere.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Executives at all the major networks will reject your idea for a fiction-based "non-reality show" as "too hard to understand."