Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your white lightnin'-fueled backwoods hoedown turns out to be a dismal failure when the only people who show up are Swiss.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will be mortified beyond belief this week when you order the Cleveland Steamer in a seafood restaurant and discover it's a coprophiliac sex act.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You are labeled a menace to children this week when you invent a simple rubberband-powered pistol that fires crayons at 10,000 feet per second.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your children run away from home when they discover the dalmatian puppy you gave them for Christmas is actually a spotted opossum.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your birthday is ruined when you realize that you do not own even a single crotchless garment and have no idea how to operate a pair of scissors.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Professional recognition comes to Leo this week when you develop a post-it note that burns upon contact with human flesh.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your quest for peace and solitude is violently interrupted when Motor City Madman Ted Nugent decides to record his upcoming double live album in your bathroom.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

The love of your life will leave you this week when you confuse John Candy and Chris Farley for the 200th time.

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Hopes of fulfilling your most secret fantasy end when the man who offered to sell you naked photos of your mother turns out to be lying.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Nothing you attempt this week will succeed. Postpone your suicide.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You inch closer to a state of universal love this week when you realize that you don't really mind Ryan.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your theory concerning the fall of the Roman Empire is proven correct this week when archeologists unearth statues of The Troggs in Italy.