Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your white lightnin'-fueled backwoods hoedown turns out to be a dismal failure when the only people who show up are Swiss.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will be mortified beyond belief this week when you order the Cleveland Steamer in a seafood restaurant and discover it's a coprophiliac sex act.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are labeled a menace to children this week when you invent a simple rubberband-powered pistol that fires crayons at 10,000 feet per second.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your children run away from home when they discover the dalmatian puppy you gave them for Christmas is actually a spotted opossum.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your birthday is ruined when you realize that you do not own even a single crotchless garment and have no idea how to operate a pair of scissors.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Professional recognition comes to Leo this week when you develop a post-it note that burns upon contact with human flesh.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your quest for peace and solitude is violently interrupted when Motor City Madman Ted Nugent decides to record his upcoming double live album in your bathroom.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The love of your life will leave you this week when you confuse John Candy and Chris Farley for the 200th time.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Hopes of fulfilling your most secret fantasy end when the man who offered to sell you naked photos of your mother turns out to be lying.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Nothing you attempt this week will succeed. Postpone your suicide.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You inch closer to a state of universal love this week when you realize that you don't really mind Ryan.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your theory concerning the fall of the Roman Empire is proven correct this week when archeologists unearth statues of The Troggs in Italy.