Horoscope for the week of January 22, 1997

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your white lightnin'-fueled backwoods hoedown turns out to be a dismal failure when the only people who show up are Swiss.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will be mortified beyond belief this week when you order the Cleveland Steamer in a seafood restaurant and discover it's a coprophiliac sex act.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You are labeled a menace to children this week when you invent a simple rubberband-powered pistol that fires crayons at 10,000 feet per second.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your children run away from home when they discover the dalmatian puppy you gave them for Christmas is actually a spotted opossum.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your birthday is ruined when you realize that you do not own even a single crotchless garment and have no idea how to operate a pair of scissors.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Professional recognition comes to Leo this week when you develop a post-it note that burns upon contact with human flesh.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your quest for peace and solitude is violently interrupted when Motor City Madman Ted Nugent decides to record his upcoming double live album in your bathroom.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

The love of your life will leave you this week when you confuse John Candy and Chris Farley for the 200th time.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Hopes of fulfilling your most secret fantasy end when the man who offered to sell you naked photos of your mother turns out to be lying.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Nothing you attempt this week will succeed. Postpone your suicide.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You inch closer to a state of universal love this week when you realize that you don't really mind Ryan.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your theory concerning the fall of the Roman Empire is proven correct this week when archeologists unearth statues of The Troggs in Italy.


Share This Story

Get our newsletter