Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You don't see why everyone puts such a premium on listening to others. It's obviously better to use that time to decide what you'll say next.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

This Thursday, you'll find out that being nibbled to death by ducks is not merely an elaborate figure of speech.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You've always assumed your greatest flaw was the third arm growing out of your cheek, but it's actually that you refuse to give of yourself.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

A long journey over water lies ahead for you this week, and—thanks to a rather overconfident cruise-ship navigator—for many weeks to come.

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You may think of yourself as a victim of horribly tragic circumstances, but God put a lot of time and effort into making sure things happened just so.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You've slaved away for months to design your own fashion line, but it's your boyfriend who will make a splash with his insouciantly tucked-in turtlenecks.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

It'll only be three days until authorities find you and the tic-tac-toe-playing chicken shacked up in a cheap hotel.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

There's really no denying he's a literary talent, but frankly, you don't find Terry Southern's pseudonymously published erotic novel to be all that great.

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You may be ruggedly handsome, but you're nothing next to the spot where Sandy River flows by Storm Mountain.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Unfortunately for you, the Bible addresses the fact that there is a time to live and a time to die, but it's vague on the subject of zombies.

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Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Although you'll crack three ribs, the TV footage will concentrate on the puppy you saved and pretty much ignore you.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

It's unlikely anything important will happen this week, but if it does, you're urged to contact the zodiac's toll-free Event Transpiration Hotline.

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